shaolina: (Default)
I won't post The host spork until monday, sorry for the delay. Still, I just came up with something (well, technically I did a week ago, but I finally wrote it down)

The Bree Tanner drinking game:


Because let’s face it, the only two ways to enjoy this novella is either take the lulz road (Diego is gay for Riley and Bree’s too stupid to notice, etc.) or the get drunk road. Now I warn you, this one may lead to alcohol poisoning or plenty of potty emergencies if playing with juice or water. Just putting that out there! The game goes as follows 

Take a shot every time:


1) Diego talks about Riley in a “loving” and trusting way.

2) Bree says she doesn’t get what’s going on.

Double if it’s after a logic chain that tells her she should run away.

            Take an extra one if she says “Oh I wish Diego were here so I could understand what’s going on” or a variant at the end of that.

            Chug if it prompts her to ask “Where is Diego?” (This doesn’t apply to every “Where’s Diego?” just the ones that come out of Bree “not getting what’s going on.” If you drink for every “Where’s Diego?” make sure to leave a suicide note.)

3) Meyer tries to be cool and street. (Trust me, you need this shot)

       Double if it involves ninjas or bad spelling.

4) Bree acts as a coward even though she described herself as a god at the start of the book.

            Double if it involves cowering behind Fred.

5) For ever Eclipse canon rape that happens. (Like the fact Bree “tells” Edward everything but it’s never mentioned or Esme wanting to save Bree unlike in the actual book where it’s Carlisle only who wants to save Bree).

6)  Bree praises the Cullens.
             Double if she goes on about how awesome Bella is for hanging with vamps.

7)  Bree describes somebody as immature.

8)  Riley's tactical genius and leadership skills doesn't show at all.

9) For every random murder scene that gets ignored later on, even though the ammounts of people they eat should have the police in a frenzy.

             Double when they kill more than five people.
             Double if the way they hide evidence is retarded. (Explosions are not subtle and will prove inconsistent when investigating the scene)

10) And finally, take a shot whenever Bree comments on how much she loves Diego.
            Chug if it is followed by a comment along the lines of "I wonder if he would choose me over Riley". Because that kind of denial needs plenty of it.


XD Huh, I actually enjoyed doing that. Maybe I should come up with one for The host.

shaolina: (Default)

I don't know why would I decide at 1am to write this thing, much less start it, but here it is. This is going to be how I would have writter the novella. Better or worst? I don't know, I haven't finished it for comparison (besides, that's subjective XD) but I feel like giving it a go even if I'm usually not one to write fanfiction (or anti-fiction may be more accurate).

Prologue )


shaolina: (Default)

  In which we finally kill off Bree, but not before a sequel bait and some more stupidity.

Read more... )
shaolina: (Default)

In which we still not see the fight of Eclipse proving once again how Meyer sucks.

Read more... )(Last part of the Bree Tanner spork)
shaolina: (Default)
Last time on “The secret life of the sparklers” Riley was giving the vamp crew the 411 on the Cullens (and I’m amazed Meyer didn’t use the 411) and they decided to take a hit of Edward’s brand of heroine. Also, Bree wondered if: Riley was lying to them (Yes, you twat!), if she should leave (see previous parenthesis) and if Diego was dead (see previous parenthesis). And now for the boring continuation!
e gritted his teeth and marched up the stairs )
shaolina: (Default)
This is a fanfic, not a spork. I wrote a couple of days ago at 1 am when I was doing my Bree argument.  Riley/Diego with some one-sided Bree/Diego.

Chocolates, 300 and green boxers )
shaolina: (Default)
In which Bree takes a full night to complete half a thought, we see what Freaky Fred looks like and Meyer only knows places that start with the letter C.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard, then let go. Riley had spoken of Diego affectionately. I would have to hope that affection was real. There wasn’t another choice.  )

shaolina: (praying)
Welcome to part four where we have club adventures, pot calling kettle black, the very definition of idiot protagonist and cooties. Sadly no vamp chicks doing stuff. I feel tricked.

“This is my idea. I’m the one who…” He hesitated, having trouble with the next word. “… trusts Riley. I’m the only one who’s going to risk getting on his bad side if I’m wrong.” )

shaolina: (smile)
Welcome to my second part of this book: where we learn that Raoul and Diego want to claw at each other, Meyer can't shut at how special is Riley and Diego relationship is, Diego is a mythbuster, Victoria is him's cousin and sparkling happens.

  In that instant, I was sure there was nothing to the stories about Diego and Riley )
shaolina: (Default)
In this chapter we meet our heroes, they eat some pimp and ho and we learn that vamps are geeks.

Maybe its an opposites-attract thing )
shaolina: (Triple)
Wow, is that a mouthful! XD But that is what this is.

Meyer released her new novella and sporkers around are snarking at this crappy piece of literature, and with good reason, but I wanted to do something different. Why? Because, unlike her other books, I enjoyed the bit of it I read. I laughed and I can't hate things that make me laugh. But the things that made me giggle throughout were because of my alternative reading.

See, before reading the darn thing I had made a series of guesses about the content, some serious while other goofy and the goofy ones seemed to be canon the more I read. I did not expect that. It was like reading Midnight Sun after reading Growing Up Cullen. Which makes me believe Meyer likes to visit forums and on her spare time.

My main silly theory was that Diego is gay and Bree is too self-absorbed/ignorant to figure that out. And this is not gay bashing and I don't mean to stereotype, but it's been just my luck that my gay friends and gay cousin have some camp in them. XD Double for my cousin actually, even Jack from Will and Grace would look at him and say "Yeah, that's too much". Plus they all love to play up the campness and laugh about it with me, so it has affected my sense of humor.

This is not a close look at the text. As I said other people are doing that (zelda_queen and das_mervin are doing a great job). This is me glossing all the boring parts and focusing on the "WTF?!" bits and the "Riley/Diego are totally doing each other" parts. Why? Because it's funny to me.


shaolina: (Default)

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