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  In which we finally kill off Bree, but not before a sequel bait and some more stupidity.

Read more... )
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In which we still not see the fight of Eclipse proving once again how Meyer sucks.

Read more... )(Last part of the Bree Tanner spork)
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Last time on “The secret life of the sparklers” Riley was giving the vamp crew the 411 on the Cullens (and I’m amazed Meyer didn’t use the 411) and they decided to take a hit of Edward’s brand of heroine. Also, Bree wondered if: Riley was lying to them (Yes, you twat!), if she should leave (see previous parenthesis) and if Diego was dead (see previous parenthesis). And now for the boring continuation!
e gritted his teeth and marched up the stairs )
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In which Bree takes a full night to complete half a thought, we see what Freaky Fred looks like and Meyer only knows places that start with the letter C.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard, then let go. Riley had spoken of Diego affectionately. I would have to hope that affection was real. There wasn’t another choice.  )

shaolina: (praying)
Welcome to part four where we have club adventures, pot calling kettle black, the very definition of idiot protagonist and cooties. Sadly no vamp chicks doing stuff. I feel tricked.

“This is my idea. I’m the one who…” He hesitated, having trouble with the next word. “… trusts Riley. I’m the only one who’s going to risk getting on his bad side if I’m wrong.” )

shaolina: (smile)
Welcome to my second part of this book: where we learn that Raoul and Diego want to claw at each other, Meyer can't shut at how special is Riley and Diego relationship is, Diego is a mythbuster, Victoria is him's cousin and sparkling happens.

  In that instant, I was sure there was nothing to the stories about Diego and Riley )
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In this chapter we meet our heroes, they eat some pimp and ho and we learn that vamps are geeks.

Maybe its an opposites-attract thing )
shaolina: (Triple)
Wow, is that a mouthful! XD But that is what this is.

Meyer released her new novella and sporkers around are snarking at this crappy piece of literature, and with good reason, but I wanted to do something different. Why? Because, unlike her other books, I enjoyed the bit of it I read. I laughed and I can't hate things that make me laugh. But the things that made me giggle throughout were because of my alternative reading.

See, before reading the darn thing I had made a series of guesses about the content, some serious while other goofy and the goofy ones seemed to be canon the more I read. I did not expect that. It was like reading Midnight Sun after reading Growing Up Cullen. Which makes me believe Meyer likes to visit forums and on her spare time.

My main silly theory was that Diego is gay and Bree is too self-absorbed/ignorant to figure that out. And this is not gay bashing and I don't mean to stereotype, but it's been just my luck that my gay friends and gay cousin have some camp in them. XD Double for my cousin actually, even Jack from Will and Grace would look at him and say "Yeah, that's too much". Plus they all love to play up the campness and laugh about it with me, so it has affected my sense of humor.

This is not a close look at the text. As I said other people are doing that (zelda_queen and das_mervin are doing a great job). This is me glossing all the boring parts and focusing on the "WTF?!" bits and the "Riley/Diego are totally doing each other" parts. Why? Because it's funny to me.
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I found a quote that brought this fact into my attention! (Warning, this will be long) It's from Eclipse, chapter 24, I think. I can't check for now.

After Jacob's kiss rape, Edward talks to Bella to assure her he's ok with the situation. He talks about the animalistic Jacob while remaining civil (remember what art tells us about this) and then this moment happens:

"You're only human," he whispered, stroking my hair again.

"That's the most miserable defense I've ever heard."

"But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he… There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that."

"But that’s not true. That's what makes me so horrible. There are no holes."

"You love him," he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

"I love you more," I said. It was the best I could do.

"Yes, I know that, too. But . . . when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one
to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I'm not sure
those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I
made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

Now, here we see again:

Civility vs animalistic urges. Now, we know he's referring to Bella kissing Jacob and how she feel "in love". Give the situation, she actually fell in lust and, as part of the human condition, Edward excuses her for them. Edward recognizes those urges in Bella and admits he can't satisfy them.

Also, look at the choice of words. He could have said "roles that I can't play/fulfill", but instead he says holes that I can't fill. Now, I know this is a reference to new moon but in deep texts authors, imitating life I'm sure, authors write more than one meaning to things. Here Meyer shows that Edward is self conscious about his dick and that Bella is above that. No muscle man will stray her away from her soulmate. She counterattacks with "no holes", saying she doesn't have those desires but Edward counterattacks with "you love him" which is Meyer for "you totally want that." but Bella ends with "I don't care about that" and Edward ends with telling her that when he left her unprotected Jacob soiled her bringing the lust in her, and you got to admit she did get uber horny after the whole New Moon deal.

"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I can't stand it."
"What would you like me to say?"
"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want
you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay."
"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I can't do that."
"At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."
"No," he murmured.
I nodded slowly. "You're right. Keep on being too understanding. That's probably worse."
He was silent for a moment, and I sensed a charge in the atmosphere, a new urgency.
"It's getting close," I stated.
"Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more thing. . . ."
I waited. When he finally spoke again, he was whispering. "Ican be noble, Bella. I'm not
going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me
you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence
your decision."

So we get dialogue about how Bella thinks herself as a whore because her libido works, and we get to another nice piece from Edward. Notice how he says that she can have a part of him, alluding that she can go get her jollies from Jacob and go to him for mormon-style relationship. Would a man secure of himself tell his girlfriend that he can only partly-satisfy her?

"Dammit, stop that!" I shouted at him.
His eyes widened in surprise. "No - you don't understand. I'm not just trying to make you feel
better, Bella, I really mean it."
"Iknow you do," I groaned. "What happened to fighting back? Don't start with the noble
self-sacrifice now! Fight!"
"How?" he asked, and his eyes were ancient with their sadness.
I scrambled into his lap, throwing my arms around him.

"Ancient sadness" This is obviously a reference to: his age, his constant inner struggles through (loneliness, thinking he's a monster, and his insecurities as a man) and all those ancient statues Edward is compared to and sadness is his own insecurities. (gasp, subtle reference to Edward's problem) Look how Bella is angry because Edward decides to give up before getting it up. She tries to encourage him, to be more passionate, "to fight for her". She likes it wild and rough, as seen by her kiss-gasm with Jacob (gasp, actual subtle foreshadowing for BD) yet Edward is just saddened by it.

That whole "How?" is just depressing. How many virale thoughs must have crossed his head, gone unfulfilled? How many images have been in his head of footlongs to his 3-incher? Now, his now or never, and he has no idea how to deal with it. His like a puppy under the rain.

"I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget
how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!"
I didn't wait for him to decide - or to have the chance to tell me he wasn't interested in a
cruel, faithless monster like me. I pulled myself against him and crushed my mouth to his
snow-cold lips.
"Careful, love," he murmured under my urgent kiss.
"No," I growled.
He gently pushed my face a few inches back. "You don't have to prove anything to me."
"I'm not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want
this part. I wantevery part." I wrapped my arms around his neck and strained to reach his lips.
He bent his head to kiss me back, but his cool mouth was hesitant as my impatience grew
more pronounced. My body was making my intentions clear, giving me away. Inevitably, his
hands moved to restrain me.
"Perhaps this isn't the best moment for that," he suggested, too calm for my liking.
"Why not?" I grumbled. There was no point in fighting if he was going to be rational; I
dropped my arms.

This is Edward panicking under sexual pressure. Bella's all over him and he still feels he can't perform. He pushes her away and makes up excuses since he clearly feels he can follow up to Jacob. Bella wants him, but he feels he can't be up to the task.

"Firstly, because itis cold." He reached out to pull the sleeping bag off the floor; he wrapped
it around me like a blanket.
"Wrong," I said. "First, because you are bizarrely moral for a vampire."
He chuckled. "All right, I'll give you that. The cold is second. And thirdly . . . well, you do
actually stink, love."
He wrinkled his nose.
I sighed.
"Fourthly," he murmured, dropping his face so that he was whispering in my ear. "Wewill try,
Bella. I'll make good on my promise. But I'd much rather it wasn't in reaction to Jacob
I cringed, and buried my face against his shoulder.
"And fifthly . . ."
"This is a very long list," I muttered.
He laughed. "Yes, but did you want to listen to the fight or not?"

Prrof of subtext )
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