Part ten (and last) of the Bree Tanner spork

[shaolina]

  In which we finally kill off Bree, but not before a sequel bait and some more stupidity.

  We left the last installment with Bree and Bella about to face each other. Bree had her eyes closed and her ears covered by Jasper. Around her is the burning corpses of her fellow newborns. Her heart completely broken by the fact Diego’s been dead for days and she’s been too stupid to notice (and currently too stupid to realize the howlers are not vampires).
    Finally, she opens her eyes and sees the Cullen clan. They are all surrounding while trusting Bella under her nose. Law of plot drama dictates that things will get worst at the worst possible time and the lavender smoke clears. This causes Bree to want to go down under on Bella’s neck. This is bad since Jasper is massaging his hands waiting for her to jump at Bella. Edward, who is described as “the redhead”,   explains that Bree surrendered. I have to say kudos for Meyer, the descriptions are not purple.

    Never mind, Meyer found something else to gush about. Look at special Bella, surrounded by vampires. how can she stand beside these horrible fiends (who bitchfight, gossip and talk about being BFFs). There must be something about her, she seems to be part of the vampire world even if she’s human.

    Bree moves away from that to day dreaming about tearing Bella’s head off and suck on her decapitated body with a straw. Edward glares at her before Bree could chomp Bella. Carlisle scolds her for thinking about doing what vampires do. I do have to ask, why are they keeping them face to face? This is like putting Judge Turpin on Sweeny Todd’s Barber chair and expect him not to give him a very close shave. Can’t they be at least at  extreme opposite sides and maybe away from the wind?  And Jasper try to suck down Bella in New Moon and still be ok with everyone, but Bree just feels the need (and she’s a newborn in front of bacon) and it warrants death threats?

    Moving on, the Volturi appear. (Hi Jane! I’ve been waiting for you to tazer everyone here!) Bree is shocked by the revelation that the yellow eyes are scared of the goth kids. She starts feeling protective over the Cullens and hopes Jane is here to kill Victoria (I guess vamps aren’t immune to stockholm syndrome)

("Sure he's threatening her and forcing her to marry him, but deep down I’m sure he's very nice" Bree under Meyer's logic)

    I'm not saying she should attack them, but they haven't been very nice to her. Double for Jasper who is baiting her with the intent of killing her. I wouldn't go around praising them for everything if I were in her shoes. Then again I would have been with Fred instead of being there.

    So the story turns word for word into the chapter Mirror from Eclipse. Summary in case you don’t know: Jane is asking about Bree and the Cullens are all “Yeah, she stopped attacking us so we decided to keep her, but you can have her if you want.” Bree guesses that she’s a policewoman, so to speak. Jane accepts and asks how many were they, looking for evidence of foul play. The Cullens say 18 and our little punisher is shocked by this. Bree reacts to this by saying:

As if they hadn’t already been introduced. This Jane was a bigger liar than Riley, and she was so much better at it than he was. 

    Considering you didn’t know Diego was dead, that’s not saying much.

    They start talking about Victoria and Riley and how they are dead. This gives Bree peace and is more than happy to die because Diego is avenged.  Because, you know, when your boyfriend dies you get revenge and then curl into a ball and die. (You know Meyer, there are other things women can do.) And with this Bree declares Edward her new BFF.
   

    Jane interrupts this moment by tazing her (YAY!!) As much as I do enjoy this I have to say torturing is stupid, at least the way Jane does it. People will say anything to stop the pain and that puts lying very high on the list. Also it shows that the torturer has no second thoughts about hurting you (and thus killing you) making some withdraw from giving you what you want as a tiny act of revenge.  To quote Michael from Burn Notice; "The fact is, torture is for sadists and thugs. It's like getting groceries with a flamethrower. It doesn't work and it makes a mess. "


    Bree proves my point by saying half-truths about what she knew. She says Riley’s plan, but doesn’t mention the wolves or Jane’s secret visit out loud but makes sure to say it via thought. Except Edward already knows everything she knows making this completely pointless. What was the purpose of this book?!
 
    More over it makes you wonder how many of Jane’s interrogations went this way. How effective she is as an interrogator if she takes everything at face value and pains every answer out. Bree right there circumvented her and she’s stupid. Why can;t the females of this series be effectual?

    Conversation turns to how special the Cullens are for surviving the attack intact and how Bella seems to be at the center of everything for somebody who does nothing with her life. Blah , blah, blah, Bella’s special. Blah, blah, blah, no second chances (except for the Cullens)

    Eventually we reach the end of this repetition (finally!) and Jane gives the death order. Edward advocates for Bree just to piss Jane off  (after obviously reading her mind). Jane just refuses while smiling and Bree is very peaceful about this. this really goes against her previous characterization as a coward and all because Diego is dead. Remember, she just spent 24 hours with this guy who felt more for Riley than for her. Sorry, but bite me.

Then-- oh, lord:

She was the vampire police. But even though the vampire cops were dirty—really dirty—at least the yellow-eyes knew it now. 

    Hahahahaha!! I may be alone with this, but that dirty comment made me laugh. Truly she’s a bloody harbinger of death and destruction. I quiver in my boots just thinking about her attacking me.

    Jane comments on Bella being human and Alice sings that the date is set. Jane wins brownie points because she hates Alice apparently. (I know people like Alice, but all I see is Edward with boobs and I don’t like Edward. Plus her powers make no sense and work on author laziness.)

    Bree already accepted death because she gets to meet Diego but gives her last thoughts for Fred. She wishes him well and hopes the dirty vampire cops doesn’t get him. She ends her thoughts saying... oh, no:

But Fred was smart and careful and talented. What could they do to him if they couldn’t even see him? Maybe the yellow-eyes would meet Fred someday. Be nice to him, please, I thought at the mind reader. 

    Is this a sequel setup? Is Meyer trying to justify a new Twilight book where they meet Fred? Was that the purpose of this novella all along? Not to explore body horror, write actual battle scenes or explore newborns? Just a flimsy excuse to keep the series alive? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    Goddamit! With my luck it will be a Jacob/DemonSpawn/Fred love triangle called Russet noon and the Volturi will try to kill DemonSpawn because she is just so special! Which will prove stupid since imprinting takes any possibility away.


Well, with this I completed my first spork. Until next time this is Shaolina signing out.